Dear Embarrassed,
Your question addresses three main issues: Responsibility and Respect-- for yourself, each other and your family's home, and Communication of needs and desires.
You alone are responsible for openly and honestly communicating how you feel and what you need and want. It is wrong to expect other people, even your closest family members who you live with everyday, to know what you think, believe, value. It is your responsibility (to yourself and to them) to tell them. Communicating your desires to your husband and kids by the way you behave, is not enough. If you believe "they should just know", you are creating inappropriate assumptions that will only hurt you in the end. It's a slippery slope, mainly because most of us are not constantly tuned into our family member's desires. Instead, we are usually acting upon beliefs we have held since childhood, which are mostly unconscious.
When a family occupies a home, all of the family members are responsible for helping each other to make it a place they feel good about and want to spend time in. That does not mean that every family member needs to contribute the exact same amount of time and effort to make that happen. And there are always family members who want more attention given to cleanliness and some members who are willing to live in a messy environment because they really don't care as much. The issue that comes into play here is respect for the other family members and their wishes. (Not everything we do is just for our own benefit or according to our own needs, exclusively.)
It's time for a family meeting! Start by reading the the question the reader wrote to me. Communicate your true feelings about the messiness of your home. Ask for feedback and ideas from everyone about how you as a family can make it better. Be aware your standard of cleanliness does not need to be valued by every family member to the same extent. Be willing to compromise; in doing so, you're modeling flexibility and respect for the other family members, who have rights too. Toward this regard, often one compromise that works is to allow your kids to set their own standard for the condition of their bedrooms (only).
It is reasonable to ask everyone to help keep all public rooms clean and picked up. (Public rooms include every room that is not someone's bedroom.) It is also appropriate to ask each family member to be responsible for their own belongings, removing them from public areas, and putting them where they naturally belong (for example, putting coats in the coat closet and putting clothing in the closet of whoever it belongs to).
The kitchen is one room that requires extra attention from everyone. It needs to be kept clean as a health issue, aside from aesthetics. On a regular basis, all family members need to assist in putting food away and cleaning up after meals. In our family, mealtime and clean-up afterward has always been an important time of family conversation and togetherness, which is a side-benefit!
Remember to let everyone (especially those who do not share your value of tidiness) know how appreciative you are of their respect for you and their home. Asking kids to be willing to go the extra mile for their family, allows them to practice an important life lesson: Getting along with others who are not always like you takes compromise and a willingness to think win/win.
Susan Harf
