I truly appreciate this reader's question because it allows us to begin talking about all of the issues surrounding "The Holidays", with hopefully enough time to actually make some changes this year.
Let's start by asking each other and figuring out as a couple, "What are our main goals this year for our gatherings with the relatives?"
Perhaps your goal lies with "taking your turn having the family over whether you like it or not". Honestly, there are sacrifices most of us make for the sake of family and "doing our share". So if this is your goal, (and we won't judge you if it is), then you may decide, "Let's face it-- This is the one time we have everybody over, and we just have to suck it up, bite our tongues about their inconsiderate behavior, be happy when it's over and pay to have a cleaning crew in afterwords".
On the other hand, maybe your goals for your holiday gatherings include your own enjoyment and relaxation. If that's your goal, then you may think of other options, as opposed to hosting everyone at your home. I know an extended family that has gotten too big for any one family to host everybody comfortably. And, they have decided it's unfair for any one family unit to host the whole crowd. What they do instead, is to rent a heated building in one of the parks or often they rent out the party room of an apartment complex. Each family unit brings a part of the meal, a few family members are in charge of "activities"(there's a lot of children present) and everybody leaves happy, knowing they are going home to a clean house (or at least, in the same shape as when they left it!)
A third option is also possible. Suppose you really want to host the gathering, and at the same time you want the extended family to be respectful and not run you ragged nor ruin your beautiful home. There's nothing wrong with letting them know your house rules, in advance. You do that by sending the whole family a friendly email or letter in the mail. Begin the letter by letting them know you are looking very forward to being together and are very happy to incur the role of hosting everyone at your place. You're also hoping everyone will take part in bringing their favorite dish (or one they newly discovered). In addition, you're writing to remind them of your "house rules", including leaving your shoes at the door, eating in the dining room and family room only, and everyone supervising their own children. As I think about having had company while raising our two sons, now ages 28 and 22, I am especially reminded of that last one. It really bugged me to have parents of small children over at any time who weren't mindful of their own kids' behavior. You have every right to have certain expectations in your own home and you do NOT owe anyone any explanations or apologies for your wishes!
Susan Harf
